Colorado OutSpoken

  When To Reveal the Real Me (Answered on TV)

(Trans(F to M) who likes females)

Dear Professor Fawn,
I recently started transitioning from a female to a male. I pass for male most of the time, because I am taking hormones, but I haven't had any kind of surgery. I am currently single but I don't want to be. The part about the transition that worries me is how to handle "coming out" to girls that I am interested in. Any suggestions?
  - On the Prowl

.....
Wow! This really is the ultimate unanswerable question! That doesn't mean I'm not going to attempt it, but it does mean that the answer is going to vary from person to person and ultimately you'll have to decide for yourself how to handle each encounter. What I can do is talk about some of the issues that are involved. When you meet and start to get to know another person, you begin to create a sense of intimacy. One of the most effective ways to do this is to talk about subjects that are very personal, which is a very vulnerable place to be. But the more I disclose about myself the more I allow the other person to get to know the "real" me. Sharing these private details are necessary for ANY relationship to grow and flourish. If I can't talk about some of the things that have been significant in my life, like a gender transition, then it becomes much harder to develop that sense of intimacy. The reason people will often give for not disclosing their birth gender is the idea that they will be rejected before the person gets a chance to know them. This is a perfectly reasonable fear. Here's the other side of the coin, those who find out later in the relationship often feel that the person they were trying to get to know doesn't really exist, and the intimacy that was forged was built on a lie. The omission is seen like a betrayal in the sense that the self-disclosure was a one-way street. They told you about scary intimate things, but you kept one fairly large thing hidden. We may feel that our gender or our sexuality is just one small part of who were are, but to many people it defines who we are. I certainly don't believe it's the most important part of ourselves, but it does greatly effect our experiences and how others see us. Keeping a gender transition under wraps seems like one small omission, but it begins to affect almost all disclosures. Every story from girl scouts to your annoying date to the prom has to be modified. All of that being said, it is always going to be your decision about what to tell and when to tell anything about yourself to future partners. Just be safe and treat others as you would want to be treated

  She Was Super-Sized! (Answered on TV)

(Female who likes females)

Dear Professor Fawn,
I've been out for about 10 years and in that time, I've been with my share of women. However, I wasn't quite prepared for what I discovered during my last hookup. Once we started fooling around, I realized that she had the largest clitoris I had ever encountered. Is this normal?
  - Super-Freaked

.....
Well, Super Freaked, you have encountered some of the wonders of human variation. We traditionally have very few chances in our lives to view the genitals of a wide range of normal adults. One of the only places to get "up close and personal" with someone else's genitals is through pornography. This is a huge problem since whatever traits aren't seen as typical (which is another word for normal) are going to be avoided. We are left believing that these images are representative of all people. Add onto the problem that we will avoid talking about any part of us that doesn't meet that norm, and you have a society that believes human variation doesn't even exist. The vulva has many different faces and colors. The length of a clitoris is usually somewhere between 1/12 of an inch and 1/4 of an inch. However, 20% of women have a much larger clitoris that can be as large as 2 1/2 inches. So, to answer your question, Super-Freaked, both her clitoris and your reaction are both normal.

  Looking for Love ... Too Soon? (Answered on TV)

(Male who likes males)

Dear Professor Fawn,
Thank you for your advice on my friends issue of them using a sex website. Since they have broken up, my question is, my friend now wants to date someone else already. Shouldn't he take a break and not jump back in dating someone right away?
  - Prince Albert

.....
Glad to see you again, Prince Albert! This is a tricky one that really doesn't have a concrete answer. Pop Psychology has spent a great deal of time coming up with various formulas and pithy answers about when to start the dating ball rolling again. The problem is everyone's relationship is different and how they deal with the ending of a relationship is going to very different. Some of the factors involved are things like the intensity of a given relationship. If this has been a very intimate 20 year relationship, that's going to take awhile to recover from. If they have been seeing each other on and off for the past few months, they'll probably be back on the dance floor by the next good song. It also depends on how the relationship ended. If the break-up is more one sided, the person who did the breaking up will be ready to date again much quicker than the person who was broken up with. If you are unsure about where you're at, I like to use the first date test. If you go on a date and feel compelled to talk about your ex, you are not ready. Even if they ask you, it doesn't mean that they want to hear you go on for 20 minutes about how you are fighting for visitation rights to see the dogs. If you can't make the date about getting to know them (and only them), then it may be time to cool your jets and allow your heart to heal.

  Open Relationship? (Answered on TV)

(Male who likes males)

Dear Professor Fawn,
Love the show!!! I have friends that have been together for 13 years. They have an open relationship. What kind of advise would you suggest for them to not have an open relationship? Are there any sex toys or anything that would keep them monogamous?
  - Topper

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Dear Topper,
First of all, I'm glad you like the show! Secondly, if your friends have been together for 13 years, they must be doing something that works for them! If exploring other partners is new to them, it may be a way of spicing up the relationship or a way of looking elsewhere for a sexual outlet. According to studies, gay men are much more likely to have non-monogamous relationships than women or straight men. Our society is even less accepting of multiple partners than it is of homosexuality. In fact, over 90% of people disapprove of sexual nonexclusively. We have an expectation of monogamy, but this doesn't mean that open relationships have to be damaging to the relationship. However, they can be very difficult. Here are some things to remember if you are considering such a relationship. The most successful open relationships involve a strong commitment to the primary relationship. Just because you have outside sexual partners, that doesn't mean that the original partnership is invalidated, but it does need to be seen as the most important. The people that are brought into the relationship have to be fully aware that they are not the primary partner. There also needs to be a high level of affection, trust, and communication between partners. Jealousy is usually harmful to any relationship, but in these cases it can be even more deadly. As a general rule, if you are unable to have a conversation about it, you are not ready to do it. One of the things people find most helpful is to agree on a set of rules such as having to agree on the third partner, or affairs can only happen out of town. Continue to revisit these rules and change things as necessary. If something happens that makes you uncomfortable talk to your partner about it and come up with a new solution. Finally, make sure that both of you are vigilant about using condoms and other forms of protection. Bringing home a sexually transmitted infection is not going to be welcome regardless of what kind of relationship you are in. If you decide that an open relationship is not the right path for you there are plenty of things to do to spice up your sex life. There are many toys, films, games that you can explore with your partner. There is no one item that will work for everyone. Go to an adult bookstore together and find something that excites both of you or expose your partner to something that you enjoy. Either way, your sex life is going to become more interesting and more satisfying.

  A Gender By Any Other Name (Answered on TV)

(Trans(M to F) who likes males)

Dear Professor Fawn,
I've always thought of myself as being female, even though I'm a genetic male. I find it very hard in the gay community to find guys who would not be put off by my becoming more female. I desperately want to appear to the world as a woman, yet retain my penis. So how in the world do I classify myself? Where can I get help in understanding this?
  - Little Red Riding Hood

.....
Dear Little Red Riding Hood,
As we've talked about on tonight's show, our culture is very uncomfortable with the idea of switching genders in the first place. Our solution to this problem is through medical science. The idea is that if we can make people fit our idea of what a man or a woman should look like, then everyone can be comfortable. And this solution is not limited to transgendered people. If you feel that your breasts are not big enough or your penis doesn't have enough girth, there are surgeries available. However, surgery may not be an option for some due to health or financial concerns or they simply may not want to undergo the knife. It is incredibly common for transmen, or FTM's to never have the genital surgery due to some of these constraints. And of course until the 1900's surgery wasn't even an option, yet there were untold numbers of people living as the opposite sex. In our society, there is a lack of classification for the many ways to express Transgenderism. A rarely used, but available term is Non-op Transsexual, meaning that an operation isn???t expected or planned. The good news is that you don???t need to classify yourself. You know who you are and are comfortable in your body. Very few of us feel completely comfortable summing up who we are with a label anyway. Does saying that I'm a lesbian really give you much information about who I am? Human variation is incredibly wide-ranging and complex and that's the beauty of nature. In a community that defines itself by it's diversity, shouldn't we be the first ones to truly embrace it?

  Not Just Talking (Answered on TV)

(Male who likes males)

Dear Professor Fawn,
A buddy of mine is dating another really good friend of mine. How can I convince him to stop visiting a sex website where he claims to be "just talking" to his other friends? One of those "other friends" sent him text message that I happened to read and it wasn't something you can say on the air. What advise can you give?
  - Prince Albert

.....
Dear Prince Albert,
It is always tough to be in the middle of a situation like this. You may be trying to protect your friend, while at the same time trying to allow him to make his own decisions. When it comes to your friend, he's most likely getting something out of the sex websites that he doesn't feel that he's getting in the relationship. This could be many different things including a safe place to express all of his sexual desires or just to get the feeling of being desired. If you feel that you must intercede, you could talk to him about what he likes about these sites. If you approach it in a nonjudgmental way, he will be much more likely to talk to you honestly. The problem is, what do you do with that information? Ultimately, this is between your friends as a couple. You can encourage them to talk to each other or to seek a couple's counselor if they don't know where to start, but I encourage you to take a step back and evaluate what part YOU want to play in THEIR relationship.

  Lesbians and Porn (Answered on TV)

(Female who likes females)

Dear Professor Fawn

I've always heard that lesbians don't really like to watch porn movies, but I like watching two hot womyn getting it on. Am I normal?
  - Lusty Lesbian

.....
Dear Lusty

A very common misconception about lesbians is that we don't enjoy sexually explicit materials. In fact this is a common misconception about women in general. Studies have shown that even for women who state they are not aroused by pornography will actually show an increase in lubrication which indicates sexual arousal. We've often been told that sexual images are for males and that "good girls" don't enjoy that kind of thing. This is simply ridiculous. It is becoming more acceptable in the GLBT community for lesbians to seek out erotic materials. In fact, there are many lesbians who enjoy watching gay male pornography because of the raw sexuality that it often portrays. Whatever kind of sexuality you enjoy watching, rest assured that you are just as normal as anyone else. In fact, check out one of our sponsors, TLAvideo, on our website, ColoradoOutSpoken.org, for a variety of adult materials. Happy hunting!

  Don't Touch Me! (Answered on TV)

(Female who likes males and females)

Dear Professor Fawn

I am a bisexual woman who has been in a platonic friendship with a man for over 6 years. When we get tipsy he 'lets' me be physically affectionate with him. It's fine when I'm touching him, but when he touches me...often I flinch. Sometimes I want to sleep with him, but most of the time the thought of him touching me creeps me out. Is there a future for us sexually?
  - Borderline Intimate

.....
Dear Borderline

First of all, if you find yourself flinching when someone touches you, that's usually a good indication that you don't really want to be with that person. There can be other things going on too, like previous sexual abuse or bad sexual experiences, but if it only occurs with the one person and the thought of being physical with him creeps you out, then there's another good sign that you do not really want to have sex with this person. Without any other information, I would have to say that you're both desperately looking for intimacy. It sounds like you have a very intimate relationship in terms of communication and friendship and this can sometimes turn into sexual intimacy, but it doesn't sound like either of you are really interested in being sexual with each other. This can often happen when there are no other outlets for sexual energy. If you are not pursuing other avenues, then you may find yourself coming back to this situation over and over again. This will mostly likely frustrate you both and leave you with hard feelings on both sides. Unless your feelings toward him change, the future of your relationship will most likely be just like your past: platonic.

  All About the Roles (Answered on TV)

(Male who likes males)

Dear Professor Fawn

My boyfriend likes to wear restraints and be dominated when we have sex. I would like to encourage him to add variety to our sex by being the aggressor or an equal partner sometimes. What can I do? Is that the only way he can get off?
  - Bummed Out in Brighton

.....
Dear Bummed Out

The gay community is especially vulnerable to these narrow roles that people are expected to play. You may have gotten this popular question about gay sexuality from a straight acquaintance, "Which one is the man and which one is the woman?" What they are really asking is who is dominate and who is submissive? The truth is everyone is dominate and everyone is submissive, it just depends how the person is feeling and what kind of activity you might be engaged in. One partner may take control when trying to navigate a foreign city, but take a back seat when comes to making small talk at a party. These roles aren't exclusively sexual, and just like we switch dominance in our day to day lives, we can do that with our sexual roles as well. Remember that it's okay to explore these roles, in or out of the bedroom. If you want to play with these roles sexually, suggest a change before sex has begun. Pick a time when you're both relaxed and causally mention that you've been wanting to experiment sexually (that alone usually excites people!). The most important step will be reflecting on the experience afterwards. Tell your partner what you liked and didn't care for during your encounter. If he hears how turned on you were when he took the driver's seat, you may find that he wants to do that more and more! Good luck and play safe!

  Break Up? (Answered on TV)

(Male who likes males)

Dear Professor Fawn

I've been having sex for years with a guy who is married and denies being gay. He's a great sex partner who lets me do anything with him that I want, but I know he'll never leave his wife for me. Should I just let him go?
  - The "Other Woman"

.....
Dear "Other"

It must depend on what you want. You are the only one who can make this decision, but there are some questions for you to answer to help make this easier. Are you satisfied with things the way they are? A true answer to this involves not only are you happy with the relationship as it is now, but would you be happy if the situation stayed like this for the entirety of your relationship? If you want more, you need to make that clear to him. If he isn't able to meet your needs than this relationship may actually be stopping you from finding something that is truly satisfying. Remember, he isn't the only fish in the sea!

  HPV and Lesbians (Answered on TV)

(Female who likes females)

Dear Professor Fawn

Before coming out, I slept with several guys and contracted HPV. Could I pass this to my girlfriend? If so, how can I protect her from getting it as well?
  - Frustrated in Frisco

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Dear Frustrated

Unfortunately, genital contact is all that it takes to spread HPV. Lesbians would be at most risk with manual contact (fingers or hands) to your genitals then to your girlfriends genitals. The good news is there's plenty of practices that will help you prevent this spread, such as condoms on toys (and remember to switch condoms when you go to the other person), Saran wrap or dental dams, or condoms split in half across the entire genital region for oral sex, and the use of gloves for manual contact. This may not sound to sexy, ladies, but neither is HPV. There are many products that you can get at your local adult bookstore, such as flavored lubes, to spice things back up again.

HPV is caused by human papillomavirus and can cause several different forms of cancer as well as genital warts, depending on the strain. The great news is a new vaccination named Gardisil has been found to be highly effective and is available for girls ages 9-26. Most women have already contracted HPV by the age of 26, though we've seen an increase in Sexually Transmitted Infections in nursing homes, so our Rainbow Elders want to make sure they're protected as well!

  Married Troubles? (Answered on TV)

(Male who likes males)

Dear Professor Fawn

My friend "Bob" went to lunch and saw this married guy. The married guy and my friend started making eye contact. Then Bob saw the married guy go to the restaurant's restroom. Bob followed him. The married guy hit on Bob in the restroom and ended up taking care of business in the stall. Should I tell Bob not to hit on married men?
  - Sweeny Todd

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Dear Sweeny

I'm afraid it won't do much good to tell your friend not to do something that obviously works for him. You may object to this behavior (and so might the wife of the mysterious married man), but that is not your decision to make. I have talked to many men who made a regular business out of having affairs with married men. They weren't looking for a long term relationship, simply sexual expression. Society may frown on that behavior, and you may not like it either. We have to decide for ourselves what kind of sexual behavior we want to engage in and let others do the same.

  Size Matters?

(Male who likes males)

Dear Professor Fawn

I have a small penis, and I'm afraid people will laugh when they see it. What can I do?
  - Tiny in Thornton

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Dear Tiny

The average flaccid penis size for an adult male is much more varied than people realize. Most of us have a skewed view of the size and shape of genitals, because we don't get many chances to see normal naked bodies. The most extensive exposure to the human body we get is often through pornographic films and images. Don't get me wrong, I am pro-porn, but it can't be used as a system of comparison. Remember, these actors are paid for their beauty and sexual gifts. You may discover that your partner appreciates your size, and if you find yourself wanting to experiment with other sizes, there are plenty of loaners made of silicone. If you are happy with your body, chances are, others will be as well. When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, even if someone does laugh, you'll know it has nothing to do with your small penis but is more indicative of their small mind.

  Newly Out

(Male who likes males and females)

Dear Professor Fawn

I am new to this whole gay scene thing so how do guys do it together?
  - Inquisitive in Denver

.....
Dear Inquisitive

The good news is that it's totally up to you! Homosexuality is just as varied as heterosexuality. Men can have sex with other men in any way that you can dream up (just do a quick search on the internet and you'll find every variation of sexual expression imaginable!). We often get the idea that gay males are limited to anal or oral sex. One study, that always surprises my students, found that only 50% of gay males make oral sex a regular part of their love making. And although anal sex is more popular among gay males, there are many men who are uncomfortable with the activity or do not find it pleasurable. Feel free to experiment with your whole body. Your hands alone are incredibly useful tools in any kind of sexual play. The key is to find out what you enjoy and remember to play safe!